Sunday, July 6, 2008

Panic Attacks

First, let me say that my mother is not to read this post.

Okay, so it's way late and I meant to be in bed an hour ago but while trying to doze off I had a panic attack and I had all these emotions going through my head that needed to come out before I'd be able to sleep. This is probably best left to my journal, but I'm hoping that by writing it for others to read something even more therapeutic might come of it. Sorry. Full disclosure - a virtue and a vice all wrapped into one.

I'm not prone to worrying. That is better left to Matt. I have designated him as the worrier of our family. But that said, do you ever fear your parent's death? I do. Not my dad. My dad, I am convinced, will live forever. My mother, on the other hand, has MS, 3 types of arthritis and spurs in her neck which will force her into traction every day for possibly the rest of her life. I have periodic panic attacks where I am convinced she will die within the year. I realize that it's because of panic attacks such as these my mother is reticent to tell us children anything of her current and new ailments. She's already been near death on many occasions that weren't publicized to the family until weeks or months after the fact. Something that has irritated us immensely.

Other than that though my mother is perfect in my eyes. She might not be so to others, but that's the beauty of mothers isn't it? What is perfect for one child would be unendurable for another. But my mother is perfect. She's brave, bold, crazy talented, visionary, funny, and humble. She's constantly learning and growing and striving to be the best mother and grandmother the world has ever seen. I love and adore her and simply can't imagine my life or the life of my future children without her. I read once that bringing out your worst fears into the open helps to see them for the irrational thoughts they are. I am hoping this is what this post will do to me.

What are your worst fears? Does anyone else have panic attacks?

2 comments:

Deanna said...

I remember during my junior year of college getting a call from my mother (at about 8 am and I was still asleep) that my dad was being rushed into the hospital for emergency heart surgery. They had found 80% blockage in one of his arteries and needed to put stints in to keep his heart working. I spent alot of time that morning scared to death that I would lose my daddy. Lots of praying provided enough relief to function through the day, but full relief didn't come until he was in the clear. I hope this doesn't undo any progress you made, but I don't think it's irrational to worry about your parents, just remember that the Lord is watching both her and you, and can provide the needed peace.

Claudia said...

I don't have any worries about my parents dying or anything like that, but I do fear the future. Not with my darling husband or children or anything, but I'm worried that I'm not prepared enough. I'm worried about what's happening to the planet. I guess I've seen too many of the "Mega Disasters" shows on the History Channel, that talk about the calamaties that could (and have in the past) take place on this plannet. Kinda dumb, I know, but the scriptures say that the earth will be purified by fire...who's not to say that that isn't what this "global warming" stuff is all about? So who has anxiety issues now?