Anyone who knows me remotely well knows I am not a patient person. Give me someone to help and I have the patience of Job but when regulating my own personal affairs, I have some issues.
This is probably why the Lord has seen fit to regularly give me opportunities to work on this dismal shortcoming of mine. I was telling my mother the other day, that I quit Patience 101. It's DUMB. I thought about it later, and realized, after Years of struggling, a few things I think God wants me to be learning. You see, I've always looked at gaining patience almost as a punishment from God. Sort of as though He's in heaven looking down on this poor unfortunate soul saying, "Dang it Sara, you will learn patience whether you like it or not! You won't get married when you want, you won't have children when you want and you won't get a house when you want. You just have to wait!!" I've thought that if I could just learn patience then the Lord would see my efforts, grade them accordingly and let me move on.
But I'm coming to learn that this is a completely false notion. God doesn't withhold blessings just to prove a point. What sort of loving father would do that? Instead, He has a very specific plan with certain milestones coming at very specific times. I've learned that after all is said and done, I kind of like God's plan for me. I really wouldn't want it any other way. But I'm also learning, I need to cultivate a spirit of patience to get through the interim periods with my sanity in check. I need patience for me, not to prove something to God.
I love journals. I love being able to read my mother's from when she was my age and I love being able to read through mine. It's sometimes painful to read, but definitely helps me to learn from my own mistakes so hopefully I won't be cursed to continue to repeat them. I learned through a recent reading through the last three years that I tend to sabotage myself. I give myself random, arbitrary deadlines and then curse God when my life doesn't go according to my silly little plan. This, obviously isn't helping anyone; not my supportive friends and family, not my poor husband, and most especially not me. So, I write this post in an effort to gain some perspective and patience. Life is wonderful, children AND a house are somewhere in the future, and until then, let's party like it's 1999!!
3 comments:
Sara! Sorry its been a while since I've posted on your blog... I've been reading your entriesfaithfully on my google reader whenever I have achance, but my hands have been full of baby Selah so typing time comes at a premium these days. :)
I wanted to say how wise your post is, and how many times I've been right where you are, allowing the Lord to show me His providence, His timing, his faithfulness, His goodness, in a season of waiting. I can relate to your journey... granted I was married pretty early at 23, we were married 7 years before I got pregnant and bought our first home(and in truth, we were only able to do that because of a gift from Caleb's parents). I know about waiting... and wanting. I've shared that stuff with you before, but just saying... I GET it.
And I also get those moments where God is faithful to show us we are still in His good care dispite the waiting. I had so many conversatins with Him over the years of wanting a child.. so many times I had to take it all back to the cross, to the feet ofJesus, andlay it down again, and say Lord, your will be done. It's hard, but its those moments that grow us in Christ like no other.
And since I've had Selah, Ive had moments whereI am overwhelmed by God's perfect timing... all those years of yearning to be a mom, and I realize now that it's not until this very moment that I was meant to be one. Sure, God would have given me the grace had I been pregnant before, but I wsn't ready, and caleb certainly wasn't, until God provided, and now I see his perfect timing in it all. More reasons to rejoice in His goodness.
Really appreciated your encouraging post and look forward to hearing more about your journey. Nice to be able to recconnect in cyberspace, eh? :)
Blessings,
nicole
I guess I see gaining patience as a blessing/curse from God. After all he did give me Eddie. That kid makes me smile just when I think of him but he can also drive me to the brink of insanity.
SARA! Oh, what pangs tear asunder my heart that I cannot see you at this moment!
You're amazing. And I think you're patient, too! Alas, I was telling my mom the other day that it will take me my whole life time to learn patience. Thus, I have no words of wisdom. Just shouts of adoration.
Gimme an "S"!....
Post a Comment