NOTE - This post may get a bit personal. I apologize in advance for any offence I may unwittingly give.
Anyone who has seen me in the last 31 years knows I am not a large person. I'm not scrawny by any means but no one would ever call me pudgy. I have definitely been blessed with my father's Booren genes. But in April of this past year, in conjunction with a whole host of other symptoms triggered by my fall into Hypothyroidism, I gained 15 pounds in about a month. This was a big deal for me. Not that I honestly looked tons different to the outside observer, I'm sure no one would have noticed if I didn't bring it to their attention. But somehow just knowing that I was 15 pounds larger than I had ever been up to that point in my life made me look at myself differently. Now fast forward to this morning when I again got on the scale and realized I was back to my pre-thyroid diagnosis weight. Despite an abysmally unhealthy December, January has been quite the opposite. I've felt sick more or less the entire month which means eating healthy (because its really the only thing that sounds remotely good), and I've actually used my fabulous Christmas present (a bike trainer that turns my pretty but dusty road bike into a useful stationary bike) remotely regularly.
So when I looked at myself in the mirror this morning (eek, naked), I saw a Sara. But then I took another look at myself post-scale and all of a sudden I saw a thin sexy Sara. Somehow in those few moments surrounding that scale, I saw myself in a whole new light. Just like I did post scale last April.
This seems to happen in other areas in my life too. Someone will say I am funny, and in a moment, I think, I am so funny, I am probably the funniest person they have ever met. Or I will watch a movie and think to myself, this fictional character has it all together. I am not leading such a fun life, ergo I am a complete failure. Too extreme?
So I am thinking that this may not be a healthy way to live life ie. based on the labels scales, society, and unhealthy comparisons to others give me. But I am hoping that somehow getting it out in the open, out in front of me will help me see this fun neurosis of mine in a truer light and I will be more capable at finding my way to the true me. No comparisons, no puffed up pride, no labels. Just Sara. And that is okay.
4 comments:
I've found that less and less I compare myself to other people but I am still incredibly hard on myself. Therefore if I eek, weigh myself I criticize myself for not being as thin as I was last year(granted I was still nursing then). If you figure out how to healthily weigh yourself let me know. As for labels yeah I say I hate labels and yet I use them all the time. Pride, yet another thing that I struggle with any other weaknesses of mine you want to bring up in your blog. How about vanity, cause afterall your blog is about you and not me and yet I'm talking about me....
Love you!
Hun - i know what you mean - but just know - that Just Sara is awesome. :)
For what it is worth. IMHO "Just Sara" brings me a lot of joy. :>)
Love,
Dad
I am the same way. I think most people are. So if you figure out how to stop, please let me know. I think I need to get rid of the scale. I always feel better about myself when there isn't a scale in the house.
And by the way, you ARE funny. I love reading your blog. It ALWAYS brings a smile to my face.
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