Miscarriage

Did I mention I was pregnant? About a year and a half ago Matthew and I felt like there was another little one who needed to be part of our family. After struggling for Boy Howdy and not at all for Cheeks we weren't sure what to expect as far as trying to get pregnant again or if we even could. Early that summer I had some ovarian issues making me wonder if a hysterectomy was in our future. Thankfully, by the end of the summer, those concerns had subsided and our chances for conceiving were promising. At least I didn't have to go through major surgery nixing all chances completely. Fast forward to 5 weeks ago when I found out I was pregnant. I was excited, Matthew was excited, the children were excited. When I first told them they both immediately wanted to pull up my shirt and see the baby that was in my tummy. Boy Howdy's next reaction was to ask: Are we going to get rid of Cheeks when we have the new baby? Will the baby play with his toys (this was asked in fear, not hope)? Will the baby sleep in his bed (again, more fear)? When I answered in the negative to all of his concerns (maybe hope about Cheeks) he seemed excited about the baby. I put a baby app on my tablet and Boy Howdy LOVED watching the videos of the developing baby. I think it caused Matthew some amount of concern at his fascination but I thought it was sweet. I think, in Boy Howdy's mind, he was looking at "our baby." He called the 6-week fetus (the one that looks more like a tadpole than a baby) the crazy baby.

A couple weeks ago I stopped feeling nauseous (although that had never been super strong) or tired and I stopped getting fatter. I was getting a little concerned. So when I had the opportunity to schedule a dating ultrasound I was quick to get it done as soon as possible (this past Tuesday). The baby was found, but way little and without a heartbeat. Even though my doctor wasn't positive, I was pretty sure my baby was gone when I stopped experiencing symptoms.

Last night (Saturday) I'm pretty sure I passed our sweet bundle of hope and joy. So why am I documenting this for posterity and all the world?

• Even if I get pregnant again quickly, this baby, Baby Hope, no matter how small it may have been, still needs to be acknowledged and made real. Baby Hope needs to be rejoiced and mourned, even if at the same time. This wee Baby Hope had a beautiful place in our family even if for a short time.
• I need to publicly thank my dear friends and family who have flooded me with such love and support and prayers that I would feel completely remiss if I did not mention their acts of service. Strength from my dear husband, help with my children, loving texts and phone calls, offers of meals (even if not accepted), cookies, gorgeous flowers, putting our name on the temple prayer list, and PRAYERS. Oh how thankful I am for my dear sweetnesses who have shown such Christlike love for me and my family.
• I need to publicly thank a very merciful Father in Heaven. Even in the midst of such sadness, I have felt overwhelming peace and comfort that is not natural to me. I have been carried this week by Him for which I am eternally grateful. Yesterday especially, I was given the gift of a day out to see Riverdance and lunch with my sisters. I knew I was most likely losing the baby, but it wasn't until I got home that the baby came and left. On the drive home, I knew it was happening and yet I felt such peace that everything would be okay that sadness didn't seem appropriate just then. Don't get me wrong, this is sad and I have cried over the loss of Baby Hope. But last night, peace and love from my Heavenly Father overcame it all. What a special gift.

So Baby Hope. I love you. I am thankful for your joyful presence in my family. You have made me a better person and for that I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who brought you to us for a little while.