Our Family is Complete

I thought there was another baby meant for our family. Mother Nature and Heavenly Father have convinced me otherwise. We attended the temple this past week with the express purpose of finding out the Lord's will for our family and it was made clear that it is time to move on. With the decision officially made, I organized all our baby gear and clothing to donate to friends who will use it far more than I will. It may be because I hadn't slept for several nights due to nighttime congestion or because Matthew was gone or because I realized my babies will never be that little again and no other babies of mine will fill those clothes but that Friday night was excruciating. When I felt a prompting that there was one more for our family I never expected nor wanted it to end this way. I didn't expect to try for a year and a half, have a miscarriage and then be told that we are done. We were supposed to have another baby dang it, preferably one named Tabitha Ann!! I have cried more in the last few weeks than ever before, and started to wonder if my testimony would ever recover. Grief and bitterness have been my constant companions these few weeks.

But a few things have happened that have brought peace back to my life.

1. I feel sure the Lord is pleased with my offering of the last year and a half. I have gone back to this on numerous occasions when I have felt myself being dragged down by my new frenemies.
2. Once the offer was made to my ward family for free baby gear I have enjoyed seeing my babies' things going to appreciative new homes.
3. My husband has been nothing but supportive. And even though he did try "fixing" my grief one night, he made up for it when I told him that all I wanted was a hug and a kiss and for him to tell me that everything would be okay. This man is a keeper.
4. This past week, I invited one of Boy Howdy's friends (who's mother is a dear friend of mine) over for a playdate. It could not possibly have gone any better. Totally a tender mercy from a very loving Heavenly Father. Not only did I get to momentarily visit with a wonderful woman whom I hadn't been able to connect with for some time but our children played beautifully. Little friend C was the perfect complement to Boy and Girl Howdy and they all played happily together for two hours leaving this mama to cook in blessed and merciful solitude. It seems so small but I truly felt the love of the Lord in those few hours of peace.
5. I may not have three babies like I wanted but I do have two. And though my patience is tested and fails on a regular basis, I am oh so lucky to have them. And I know that the size of my family is not a reflection of my husband and my efforts.
6. Finally, today in my primary class we discussed Lehi's dream of the Tree of Life. We discussed how the mists of darkness and the great and spacious building do a great job of moving us away from the path to the Tree with its most desirable fruit. But when we hold firmly to the iron rod we keep on course. In the last two weeks, I may not have had my heart totally in my daily scripture reading or prayers but they were observed, keeping me linked to the iron rod and moving in the right direction, even if I moved a bit more slowly than normal.

And now that I feel myself leaving my frenemies behind, I am beyond grateful for that iron rod and the foundation I've built on my Savior. I honestly don't know how those without a relationship with their Savior manage life's disappointments, pain and grief without losing their minds.

So, with all that said, our family is complete. And now that the decision is clear and we are at peace, we are looking forward to our fun future as a family of four. All hail bright and exciting things to come for the Marlers.