I might have mentioned this before, but sometimes I have to keep myself from reading friends' blogs for fear of becoming despondent with my jealousy of their little feet pitter-pattered lives. In those times, I catch Matthew watching me, sometimes out of the corner of his eyes, sometimes openly staring; I think to catch the first signs of my unraveling. Somehow I find it comforting to know he's on guard.
Anyway, this morning is not one of those times. This morning, as I find myself yet again, unpregnant I am filled with gratitude for this time of life. As my sister says, I really do lead a charmed existence. Yesterday I worked and then took off for an hour bike ride in the glorious fall weather. This morning I sat in bed after Matthew left for work and finished a lovely book (The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society written all in correspondence style which is probably why I feel so reflective today). I'm hoping to finally get enough motivation to work today but feel no real compulsion to do anything worthwhile. It's actually kind of nice. Nice to have the feeling and even nicer to be able to actualize it. I'm sitting here in my PJs and bed head at 10am with the sun streaming in the window and I am at peace with the world. It's a wonderful feeling.
But that said, just in case anyone is wondering, it's been a solid two and a half years since Matthew and I have officially started "trying" for children. We obviously haven't been successful and for whatever reason right now I don't feel right about furthering infertility treatments. So we wait. I'll be 30 in another month so I wonder how long the Lord is going to have me in this odd sort of holding pattern but for now it's okay. I'm learning and growing and hopefully building the necessary muscles in my calves, thighs, shoulders and bottom to make long rides more enjoyable.
6 comments:
Hello my dear friend Sara,
I am reading almost no blogs right now, and yet I felt a compulsion to come over and check out what you had to say these days, and I so appreciated this post. And please know I totally "get it".
Caleb and I are coming up on our 7th year of marriage. I had my first pregnancy earlier this year but it ended in miscarriage. I am thrilled to be almost to 12 weeks now in my second pregnancy, and I pray the Lord will allow this baby to come to full term and that we would have the joy of raising the baby.
I want you to know I will be praying for you. I have wanted children for 7 years or marriage, and for varios reasons, only now am I being blessed with motherhood. So I really do know those moments, that jealousy, that biological clock ticking as you approach 30 (God blessed me beyong belief in that I found I was pregnany shortly before my 30th birthday in September this year). I GET it, girlfriend.
And yet God is good. I had many moments through those years, like the ones you had today, where the lord allowed me to stop and truly enjoy the season of life I was in, knowing full-well that with the blessing of children does not come the blessing of free time and me time and well... time! :) So God is good in giving us those windows into the reality of "the moment".
And I know I am being terribly presumptious and perhaps even lewd depending on your readership, but I wonder, have you attended any natural family planning courses? I am guessing you probably have done something of the kind if you have been 'trying'. I only say that as I found them incredibly helpful, to know exactly when you are the most fertile. I know this is presumptious because you probably know all of this already, but I just thought I'd say that just in case you hadn't gone that route yet.
Again, please know I am praying for you. And know, too, that the Lord hears your prayers. I can't tell you how many times over these 7 hears I have turned to the book of 1 Samuel, and what a friend I have found in Hannah. The Lord loves us and cares about the Godly desires of our hearts to be mothers, and so often just knowing that he knew that, even if children weren't promised me, knowing that I served and loved and was loved by a good God who truly heard me and cared, was an incredibly comfort and encouragement.
Thank you for sharing and I'm praying for you, sister.
-Nicole
you have a really nice friend in your friend Nicole. What a great note. Anyway, I just want you to know that I send my love. Our struggles are all so different sometimes aren't they, but they all unify us as we can feel the pain even though we don't have that actual event happening in our own lives. (did that make sense...that was a total run-on sentence, eh?) You are an amazing woman, Sarah. I hope the Lord hears your prayers and answers them in whatever way that He will. (BTW, I just finished the Guernsey book this week too...I really really liked it)
Beautifully written, and such a wonderful place to be at. I'm impressed with your perspective and peace. All my love!
Sara, I am always thinking about you and praying for you. Lots of love! xo Mandy
Oh Sara...My heart is sending you love and understanding. Though I have the pitter patter of feet in my home now, I think I went through a similar journey to what you are going through now for six long years before Elisabeth came into our lives. As we are trying again and having lots of problems, I also am wary of checking blogs and am hit with bouts of sadness when others announce the news they are pregnant.
I know nothing I can say can change the monthly disappointment you have but please hold onto these peaceful moments of gratitude and remember that God has a wonderful plan for you. It is these things that will get you through the next months until you are finally blessed with your heart's desires. Thanks for your example.
Love,
Kristi
Thank you all for your love and prayers and encouragement. I love my darling friends and am so grateful to have been able to stay/ get in touch with all of you.
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